Half Marathon, completed.

I did it! I completed my first ½ marathon! The excitement and nervousness I felt prior to race day was pretty crazy. I was anxious, due to all the physical complications I had been experiencing throughout the month of September and not to mention just how intense my 12 mile run was, the week prior. BUT, I did it and it was beyond amazing. All glory goes to God for sustaining me with the energy I needed throughout the run.

The weather was perfect and the scenery was magical. It truly allowed me to appreciate God's creations so much more. 

My next goal is to run the Seattle Rock & Roll ½ Marathon in June, so I'll be training for that sometime next year. In the mean time I intend to run a race at least once a month. Throughout the last couple of months, I have developed such joy and love for running that I want to continue this road I've started. 

Nitty Gritty.

Times are tough. 

My faith is not in jeopardy, but my church home/family has been in intense scrutiny the last few months. I haven't wanted to speak publicly about everything that's been happening but I will say a couple of things. It's been absolutely heart breaking for Matt & I - as well as those who have been directly and even indirectly been affected by MH. We've tried to stay away from reading anything the media has to say because who knows how accurate their resources are. But all the controversy and the great amount of people leaving MH has definitely affected our church. I lament with those who have negatively been affected by any of the MH leaders or Pastor Mark, and yet at the same time I feel broken for MH & my chruch family as I have such immense love for them. I've been attending MH for nearly 2 years now and during this time I have desired to know Jesus more than I ever have in my 28 years. I have met such amazing individuals who have guided me how to be a godly mother to Rylan, a loving & respectful daughter to my parents, poured a huge amount of wisdom on what it means to be a godly wife to my future husband and most importantly learning what it means to be a follower of Jesus Christ by loving God and loving others. I am forever thankful. Despite any mistakes Pastor Mark or the church has made - I have the utmost faith that God is working to restore and heal Mars Hill. Prayers are greatly appreciate at this time.

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On another note. Training has been a mix of good and bad. August was a great month for me, I was running on all the scheduled days and I felt my endurance and speed getting better everyday. However, September has been slightly rough. My feet and knees have just been aching so much that I've needed to take a break from running for a little over a week now. Praying for physical healing so I can continue training and get through my half marathon run in less than a month. 

You're never really ready for marriage.

I've seeked council from a few of my Christian girl friends in regards to the issues swirling constantly in my head about being "ready" for marriage, waiting for my significant other to feel like he's "ready" to be a leader to a wife and family and just how long am I supposed to wait?

I am thankful for all the love, knowledge, support and prayer while I've been deciphering this all out with God. It's encouraged me to look deeper into what God's will is for Rylan and I. Had a conversation with a girl friend yesterday and she really put into perspective a lot about often times we won't know if we're ready until God requires us to be ready. Similar to parenthood, no matter how many classes we take, books we read or advice we receive we can't apply all the knowledge and guides until we become a parent.

“Most people who contemplate marriage wrestle with the question of whether they’re ready. How much do you wait and seriously consider the weight of the decision to get married? When should you hold back and work on yourself for a while? Is any hesitation you feel about marriage a result of wanting to make sure you’ll be a healthy spouse? Or is it just selfishness and unwillingness to take responsibility? Is it both?

At what point do you stop over-thinking things, determine you’re making a good decision and make a jump?

You can never be fully ready for marriage because it’s impossible to be fully ready for marriage. Nothing can fully prepare you for losing part of yourself while making another person’s life your own. No amount of wise counsel or books or study guides can make you truly understand what it’s like to have and hold another soul, day in and day out—for life.

Marriage is much more a training zone for personal holiness than an award gala for personal perfection. Sometimes, the very things we think we need to have together before marriage can’t happen without it.

You should be asking whether you’d glorify Him better in your singleness or in marriage. If you’ve looked honestly at your life, determined with wise counsel that you’re a responsible and spiritually growing adult and can feel in your heart that you would serve God’s Kingdom better with marriage, you’re ready!” - JARED LAFITTE

Time with God.

“'For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord.
9 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.'" - Isaiah 55:8-9

Chaos has seemed to enter my life the past few weeks, and in all sorts of forms. Birthdays, work, weddings, relationships and everything else in between. I mainly blame myself for always putting so much on my work load that I always find myself feeling extremely overwhelmed. Fortunately, among all the craziness, I was able to hear the Holy Spirit calling to make time to spend time with God. Which is exactly what I've been doing the last few days. It has been amazing and so freeing. I reflect on my heart and realize how naive I am in regards to the grace and strength God can and does provide for me. 

I may not always understand the things going on in my life, but I know that I'm not always meant to. Some questions will never be answered here on earth and I need to acknowledge that God's will always prevails and whatever it is I may desire in my life, He desires so much more for me. His plans will always exceed any plans I could manifest on my own. God is good, all the time. And all the time? God is good.

Road to training.

After some recent discussion and encouragement from some ladies at work, I've decided to accept this goal of doing the 1/2 marathon in Leavenworth this October. I am not a runner, running and I have not had a great relationship for years now. So, what in the world compelled me to say yes to this challenge? Well, one it's going to help me get into better shape, especially my lungs because boy do I run out of breath easily. Secondly, it's a goal that I can work towards achieving. 

My first run in what seems like years was last night and I proudly did 1.8 miles in less than 20 minutes without stopping to walk. Nonetheless, I was pretty exhausted after my run but this morning I felt great. I am hopeful and yet nervous on how well I'm going to do, but I know I can do it. Wish me luck!

Self-forgetfulness.

This topic of living fully in the right now and self-forgetfulness has been crossing my path a lot today. And perhaps it's God answering this re-occuring almost irritating question I keep asking myself and God in prayer. 

Do I just keep waiting? And for how long? 

Unfortunately, I have not been able to answer that myself. Any chance I begin trying to make sense of everything and how I'd wish things would go about, I quickly get drawn to another question of Where is my heart in this? Is my impatience from a heart of idolatry for marriage? Covetousness? Or a real conviction from God that He has different plans for me that don't include marriage with Matt. I don't know. And if I'm going to be honest about it all, I'm really just tired of wearing around this facade that I have any clue at all to where this path is taking me, or us. Sure, we've discussed marriage in much detail, taken the pre-marriage class, seeked council in our Christian friends and elders at church - but at the end of the day it is all God's will. 

The enemy has felt very near lately, strategically placing certain temptations in my way. And I hate to admit it but there are more than often times that I have internal battles going on about giving in to those temptations. Those quick seconds where I've stopped listening to the Holy Spirit. 

When did my walk with Jesus become so motivated towards my wants, needs and happiness, rather than mere desire to do what glorifies Him because of all the love and grace He's poured into my life? Could it be anymore evident just how flawed I still am? How much work the Holy Spirit still has to do in my heart? 

In the 20 minutes it's taken me to write this, I don't think I am able to answer any one of the questions I've asked. But that's okay. I need to stop looking for all the answers here amongst the fallen world; so easily influenced by self-righteousness and greed and begin looking back up to God again and have faith in His plans for me. 

Differences

Going through the Pre-Marriage class with Matt has really opened our eyes to a lot of realizations about ours and each other's characteristics. We've felt a little less dysfunctional knowing that we're not the only couple out there that despite our faith in Jesus have flaws in our relationship. Everything's not going to be perfect and things aren't going to always be easy. I've realized that it may be harder than it is easy, but to not be discouraged by those moments but instead be grateful that we have a God that is merciful towards us. 

I knew Matt and I had differences, but I guess in the last couple of weeks this class has really opened my eyes to see where my heart is and my characteristics. For example, I used to think that I was an extrovert, but have thought that maybe I'm actually introverted, or perhaps I've become an introvert throughout the last couple of years. 

Right now, life has put a lot on each of our plates and it does feel a little overwhelming a lot of the times. It's caused a little bit of tension and uneasiness in our relationship because we both want to make each other happy but seem to be having a hard time doing so. Taking some quick moments apart to refocus our hearts to Jesus is something we definitely needed right now. Thinking horizontally, and looking to each other for solutions is not going to get us anywhere. We must refocus and go back to thinking vertically and looking up to God to sustain us through this overwhelming season and to aide us to persevere in our relationship. 

Prayer: Lord Jesus, thank you for your great mercy towards us, especially when we have done nothing to deserve it. My prayer for today is that Matt and I can individually refocus our hearts to you. You know the burdens we currently are carrying in our hearts and you always know the way. I pray that the Holy Spirit guide us in the direction you wish us to go and to do so willing with open hearts. Let us not forget your sacrifice for us on the cross and look up to you for encouragement instead of each other. Amen.

Discouraged

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

There's so many things I am thankful for. The weather outside is gorgeous, except for my mood seems to reflect a day of darkness. I suddenly felt discouraged about myself. I don't know how to explain it all, I just know I need to refocus myself in Jesus instead of dwelling in my own misery. 

Withdrawals

This is my beautiful family. Being home and being together after nearly 20 years was amazing and too short of an experience. It seemed time flew so slowly when awaiting the day I'd be leaving for the PI, but as soon as my vacation started, time went by too quickly. 

Being around my whole family the last 2 weeks has made me truly grateful that God has blessed me with such a loving, caring and amazing family. We may not be perfect, but what family is. My heart has been feeling heavy since we returned to the states. Heavy because of how much I miss being around my family, and because I don't know when the next time we'll all be together again. 

The reality that we're just getting older and time is truly limited has made me really appreciate this life on earth that God has given us to really begin to show what it means to love others, whether it be family, friends or strangers. As fearful as I am at times of the idea that years with my family being around is getting shorter and shorter, I am trying to find peace in knowing that eternity spent with my family will be even more joyful than it has been here on earth. 

I'm not exactly sure why coming back from my trip to the PI this time around has been more difficult than it has been in the past, but I know I'll be ok with God by my side. 

Au Revoir Seattle!

The excitement I have been feeling for the past few months since we booked our tickets is beyond words. And the reality that we'll be leaving tomorrow and I'll be with my entire family who haven't been together in almost 20 years is giving me butterflies. I wish I was staying longer, but I'm lucky enough to spend the time I am able to spend with my family. It is my home, it's where I was born and grew up as a little girl and will always be in my heart my home.

The above picture is the Thunderbird Resort where we'll be getting together for our reunion, which I cannot wait to experience! The likelihood of me posting while I'm there is highly unlikely but who knows. Until I return. Au Revoir! 

"PRAY"

Praise Repent Ask for someone else Your own needs

I've had a handful of conversations with a few of my Christian girlfriends & Matt in regards to the anxiousness we feel whenever we are asked to pray in a group setting. Growing up, I was so accustomed to memorizing prayers I was never really exposed nor did I have strong desire to spend more time in prayer with God. Accepting Jesus as my savior has definitely changed my need to engage in more intimate prayer with Him. And alone I do fine, it's during group prayers do I feel slightly embarrassed in how I pray. When I hear others pray it sounds so flawless and well spoken, and shows evidence that they've been doing it for awhile.

There are instances where I would love to openly pray for with my friends but allow the fear of man hold me back. In my alone time with God, I have been praying that during those moments He can guide my focus on Him, rather than those in the room that influences me to become nervous. 

Blink of an eye.

Today marks exactly 2 months since I moved out of the Kenmore house. Not too much has changed, and the things that have, have definitely been for the better. 

Though there are nights of loneliness, I don't ever feel alone. Though there are nights of sadness, I still very much feel joy. God has surely put forth so much grace in first my relationship with Him, others and with Matt. I'd be lying if I said we weren't still struggling with our emotions involved in being a part during this season in our lives, but everything is very much bearable. 

Being a witness to the work the Holy Spirit has been doing in each of our lives in the last couple of months have been beyond amazing. Our CG have been nothing but encouraging, supportive and loving towards the both of us as we discuss our successes and struggles in what God wants. 

This temporary separation has not only humbled me but taught me how to find comfort in God's time and will for me. 

The First Night.

Here we are, the day that seemed was slowly approaching has finally arrived. It's surreal to think that just last night, I was getting ready to go to bed next to Matt, to now be sitting here in my new bed where I'll spend either alone or with Rylan. As I look at my new surroundings, I am left feeling confused about what I am feeling. My heart has changed to trust in Him and to make the changes that I know will glorify Him in my relationship with Matt, but then why does my heart sting with pain. I haven't even spent my first night here, and already I've had a small melt down. I guess, I shouldn't have expected this process to be completely joyful all the time. I knew these feelings were going to come, I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. I should spend a lot of time in prayer the next few days, weeks and months for God's strength, but I sure as heck can't do this on my own. God will supply Matt and I the strength we need to get through this. This is not permanent, but only temporary. I just have to keep reminding myself that. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

4 days and counting.

For a moment last night, this feeling of sadness and loneliness came over me and my eyes began to water. For that moment, I allowed myself to realize that soon I would no longer be sitting on the queen size bed that's been shared between us for the past 6 months. That we will again be sleeping apart from each other. Reality hit me and for the first time, my heart greatly ached. The fear that can lead us to fall apart came over me again. The enemy tempted me to reconsider, but as much pain as I was feeling at that moment, I chose to trust God. 

The first few weeks and months will be extremely difficult. But with God's guidance, I know we will persevere. Prayer is definitely needed for us during this new chapter in our relationship. 

Despite the fact that I know we will find ourselves at the house often, there's no denying that we will miss calling it our home. But God, is calling me to call somewhere else my new home, at least for now. 

Slow struck of reality.

Separation between Matt and I is not unfamiliar territory for us. Yet, this weekend I was able to get a glimpse of how things are going to be when I move out. As much as we've been in these circumstances of living separately before, it doesn't make it any easier. Things are different this time around, this time it's intentional. It's been lonely. I am thankful that I was at least able to spend Saturday with Rylan, otherwise weekends are the days where I spend by myself. Which I suppose I definitely could turn that into being productive around the house or utilize it to spend more time with God and His word. I don't know if it's because it's that time again or that my lack of motivation to really do anything comes from the reality that this is how it's going to be for a little while. 

Nothing is permanent, and all of this is temporary. I know all of that. I continue to remind myself that everyday and try to find comfort and peace in that. But maybe right now I'm just going to allow myself to feel these emotions. 

Stressed is definitely an understatement. I'm overwhelmed with the changes that are to happen as well as financially stressed. Ahhhh! Breathe. It'll be ok.

Motherhood.

This last year, God has really tested my patience and has taught me to discipline myself so much in regards to my anger as a mother. It's almost a given that every mother is bias to their children, and although Rylan has most of the time been a complete breeze to raise, he has definitely challenged me in many different ways. Since he's been in kindergarten the challenges have been more difficult and I am constantly having to bring myself to prayer to ask for a kind heart when disciplining him. It's been amazing to have a male figure in his life when he's with me, so that Matt can provide the strong and stern persona that I may not always have, because the kid melts my heart way too easily at times.

The times when I am put in a situation where I want to yell in rage for the naive mistakes he's made, brings me back to my childhood and how I was raised. I've put so much faith in God to change my heart and I can honestly see myself change in how I interact with him when I'm disciplining him. Granted, I am human and will fall at some point, I at least know that God has already began to change my heart in so many ways and as long as I'm willing to try, I can only continue to be better. 

I feel like this simple message describes exactly how God has made a difference in my life. I gave up all the messes of my life, and allowed myself to be in a state of vulnerability in hopes that it portrays a message of my new self and heart. My desire to know and walk with Jesus has been there since high school, but not to this intensity, and definitely not with this much intent. It feels good, it really does, especially when you have someone in your life who you love that supports and wants the same thing not only for you, but for themselves. Matt and I may not be where the Lord intends for us to be yet, but I have so much faith that we will get there through His grace. 

Blessed.

After putting down my deposit on Wednesday and talking more with the couple who has so kindly allowed me live in their basement that they turned into a studio made me feel truly blessed. As stressed out as I am about all the financial stuff, I do really trust that God placed us exactly where He intended for us to stay. The couple were so kind and welcoming to both Rylan and I. It's definitely a bitter sweet feeling. 

As days get closer and closer, the realer it gets for us. Everything happened so fast it seems like. I mean, God convicting me has always been there but, I went from this selfish stubborn person, to someone who wanted to make a 180, and live for God's glory. Granted this is anywhere near a radical lifestyle, it's probably the closest I'll get to making such a radical decision. I feel good about it and confident. 

Not to say all fear and worry is gone, coz it's absolutely still there. But my trust in God overpowers all of that.

Changes.

So, the changes will be coming in the next few weeks. On Wednesday I will be sealing in the deal on a place that I made the decision to move into. After a lot of thought, discussions with Matt and most especially prayer, I feel this place is where God has called for Rylan and I to live. As reality is slowly sinking into both Matt and I, the sadness and fear have also tries to seep into the crevices of our hearts and mind. After my post on Friday about feeling uneasiness, this weekend really brought on a lot of peace in my heart in regards to the situation at hand. The thought of physically leaving Matt is heartbreaking, but the truth of God's Word and promise is fulfilling enough for me. 

There is a lot of fear in my heart that I will not be able to financially handle living on my own with Rylan, but I pray that God will provide for me in ways I could not even fathom as we continue to be faithful to Him. 

I'm fighting my anxiousness as people are slowly finding out of me leaving. Anxious about their judgments.

Conflicted

I'm not really sure what this uneasiness I've been feeling the last couple of days. Stressing about whether or not I'll find a place to stay has been harder than I thought, and trying to be there for Matt right now has just taken it's toll on me. How do I be there for myself and Matt? I'm trying to stay hopeful by trusting my stresses to God, but I'd be lying if I said the pressure wasn't getting heavy. I'm hoping I can use this weekend to catch up and just find some more peace inside and with the whole situation. I know all of this is a part of God's plan, and in the end we will end up exactly where we're meant to end up, but holding on to that hope and that visual has gotten slightly challenging.