Embracing the Journey at 30 Weeks

Today marks 30 weeks & 4 days into my second pregnancy. Meaning, if this girl goes full term, I still have a little under 10 weeks remaining. (I am of course hoping for only 8 weeks lol).

For those that have followed me through my pregnancy journey thus far, know I've been riding this overwhelming roller-coaster of emotions. Just like the weather here in the PNW, my moods can be very night or day. Some days are really good & some days I can barely get through without more than a handful of melt downs. 

Growing a little human is an absolute blessing, there is not a day that goes by that I look down at my growing belly and just feel so happy. But, pregnancy has not at all been a sweet sailing journey. I struggled through every bit of pregnancy symptoms during my first trimester, then came the scare from my OB about our precious girl possibly having down syndrome based on a single spot seen during our first ultrasound (I discuss this in a previous post) - which caused extreme anxiety & worry for me. Now being well into my third trimester, where obvious physical changes are becoming more evident - so many uncontrollable emotions have came full on rushing in. 

Last week, I shared about how I've been struggling with feeling very alone & lonely sometimes and the difficulties I have when it comes to reaching out to others. They haven't disappeared but I'm proud to say that I am better at not always allowing those feelings to eat me up. I've been spending so much alone time with God, and have really allowed Him to take the lead. 

Side story: Lately, Rylan has been really into rubbing, touching, hugging and kissing my belly. Sometimes he will sit next to me (especially when he can tell I'm having a bad day) and he will ask if he can feel her move. This week, he really took to finally talking to her and telling her about his days. Wednesday night, I was just feeling physically crummy and after we got home from his baseball game, the entire family (Matt, Rylan and I) just spent 30 minutes staring at my belly to see if we could see Adela wiggling around, Matt played music for her and literally we just enjoyed each other's company while we entertained this little girl inside of me. I might have felt horrible, but my heart just overflowed with so much love and joy. 

It was that night that I really began to embrace everything about this pregnancy - all the way down to my negative feelings. Everything I was feeling became minuscule. How can I possibly continue feeling bad when even my 7 year old boy can willingly embrace me and my pregnant belly. I see now that God has been using Rylan during this season to be my backbone. He has lifted me up whenever I doubt myself and loves me unconditionally. God has been so good! <3

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I also want to share just how talented Rylan has become. I swear that boy is growing up too quickly for me, I can hardly catch my breath sometimes. I get asked a lot who takes my solo pictures. Well sometimes I just use self-timer on my camera, but most of the time it's been Rylan or my husband. And I wanted to share these pictures Rylan beautifully captured of me this week. I mean, perhaps I'm being bias because he's my child - but so be it. 

Behind Closed Doors.

It has taken me about 2-3 weeks to finish writing this post. 

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I am a fairly private person when it comes to specific areas of my life. As soon as I step outside of my home, I try my best not to let whatever inner struggles I'm going through show - even to those closest to me. Why? Great question, I still ask myself this a lot of times. Most of the time, it's the fear of judgement from others or fear that they wouldn't want to use the time out of their own busy lives to listen to whatever it is I may be going through. Besides, who wants to be around someone who's in a Debbie Downer mood? 

I was born and raised into a very old school/traditional Asian culture causing it to be an emotionally & physically abusive home, where intimidation and fear overpowered any desire for me to talk about my problems. I had a lot of restrictions & feelings weren't allowed to be acknowledged much less talked about. I didn't know it during those times, but because I "couldn't" talk about it, I instead resulted in making many bad decisions and looked for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. All glory & praise to the Lord for saving me from that life. 

Without going into much detail about my past (maybe I can save it for a later post), I dealt with intense depression (which I didn't realize it was that at the time) most of my teenage and young adult life, on my own. No one knew that. I mean sure some of my close friends probably knew I struggled through a couple insecurities and problems, but no one really knew the darkness I went through because I chose to hide it. I yearned so much for other people's love, acceptance and approval that I developed bad habits, thinking it would make me more "desirable" or "likable" and in turn would make me happier, which I of course later realized, it didn't. 

Aside from my amazing husband and my joyful little man - this pregnancy has been such a big light in my life. Every day I am absolutely grateful for this gift that God has showered us with. However, moving into this last trimester has taken it's toll on me emotionally. I've gone through the first two trimesters with mood swings here and there, but lately a lot of negative feelings have invaded my thoughts. Some very similar to ones I've experienced in my past and some new. 

I'm extremely sensitive and many times I get overwhelming feelings of loneliness and sadness. Hardly anyone would probably know this (not even my husband) because just like a lot of things, I've been trying to deal with these feelings on my own. It's really difficult to put into words or describe everything I've been feeling. I can barely get through writing this without breaking down and crying (see what I mean? so emotional). 

But I have to remind myself that I'm not alone in all of this. I can't keep digging myself so far in the dark, leaving me vulnerable to be taken for granted by the enemy. So, even though I've tried to keep running away, I've return to the one who I know has always been there. Asking for His comfort, peace, wisdom & guidance through this time. Which is why I'm bringing this darkness in my life, into the light - not to draw attention to the bad or get sympathy from the world but...

1) to allow the Holy Spirit to enter my heart and help in the healing process 

and 2) to be an example for others, that no matter what is portrayed in social media- everyone goes through things and that it's totally okay when the seasons in our life are just down right hard. 

I am so thankful for the time I've been able to spend with Jesus these last couple of weeks. But also, truly blessed for the couple of individuals I know He has recently placed in my life to help and be there as a testimony for His grace and glory. God is so good. 

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, 
and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.”  - Deuteronomy 33:12

Sunday Funday

After what seemed like a long week of Rylan being gone because he was spring break & spending time with my parents and brother's family, I finally picked him up today. 

There was overcast when I woke up but I knew the sun would come out later in the day & wanted to take Rylan to the park to meet up with a friend. While trying to figure out what to wear, I remembered that I had just received my Pink Blush Maternity dress that I had been wanting to wear. 

I don't own a lot of maternity dresses. Most of the dresses/skirts I own, are just bigger sizes. This particular maternity dress however, is absolutely everything. It has a thick enough material to keep me pretty warm, especially on chillier days like we had today. Not to mention it's got such diversity! If I feel like dressing it down, I can pair it up in sneaks (wish has been my go to these days) or if I want to dress it up I can pair it with some cute booties. 

I highly recommend taking a peek at the Pink Blush website (http://www.shoppinkblush.com). They cater to mommies to be, non-mommies to be & plus wear as well! 

(Dress: Pink Blush Maternity, Shoes: Converse, Jacket: Burlington Coat Factory)

I couldn't help but capture a couple of photos of Rylan during our adventures today. He really is a natural when it comes to the camera (: 

Tiger Stripes

I get a lot of comments about how cute I am pregnant & get questioned about whether or not I even have stretch marks from my first pregnancy let alone during my current one. 

Let me tell you. I have a lot! More than I can count on both my hands. I'm a petite woman standing at only 5 feet (5ft & a half on a good day). My wonderful mother also passed down the genes that gave me thick thighs and calves for days. I gained nearly 60lbs with my first born, so on a petite frame that was a lot for my body to handle in such a short amount of time. 

Towards the end of my pregnancy with Rylan, I had dark stretch marks almost all over my body (or at least that's what it felt like to me). After giving birth, a lot of them faded to my skin tone but up close they were all still there.

This pregnancy is not any different. What may seem "perfect" in pictures is just an illusion. And quite frankly with the number of filters social media provides for us, it's easy to conceal my imperfections. 

BUT, these two pictures below are real untouched photos that show you just some of my stretch marks AKA my tiger stripes. 

It's taken me a long time to learn how to embrace these imperfections. Going through my pregnancy with Rylan and even afterwards, I grew very very insecure about what my body looked like and how unattractive I had become. I'd be lying if I said I don't go through moments of jealousy when I see other moms or even pregnant women who are still in great shape or just look so perfect, because it happens - more often than I wish it did. But what is different this time around, is that I don't allow it to consume me to the point of extreme loss of confidence. 

Tonight, I stared at my growing belly and myself in the mirror. I rubbed my belly, feeling my stretch marks, stared at the stretch marks and cellulite on my thighs, noticed my face getting rounder, giggled at my armpit fat, and analyzed everything else that I wish I didn't have or could change. Then I stopped myself for a second and realized that although those feelings are probably going to be constant during this pregnancy or let's be honest maybe even the rest of my life - I was happy and proud of how my body looked. Not because of the many flaws I could pin point, but because this body of mine with all it's imperfections, this body which God created is housing this absolutely beautiful growing human being and that in itself is something to be thankful for. 

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:14

Tribal Knit Dress

There's plenty of factors that cause discomfort during pregnancy. I'm sure there are many mommies & current pregnant moms can confirm that. Which is why it's been so important for me to find clothes that are comfortable to move around in, while still being able to look and feel even some what stylish. 

Which is why I fell in love with Pink Blush Maternity. They have such a huge variety of different stylish trends that accommodate and fit for a growing belly. 

What I love most about this dress is that it's something I can still wear post-maternity and honestly guys, the material is so comfortable. It's thick enough to wear on days like today where it was a little a chilly outside but not too thick to cause me to sweat up an ocean when indoors.

AND, what I discovered out of nowhere showing off my dress at work is that this thing has pockets?! I mean, dresses with pockets are always going to be a win for me.

(Top: Pink Blush Maternity, Necklace: F21, Booties: GoJane)