This topic of living fully in the right now and self-forgetfulness has been crossing my path a lot today. And perhaps it's God answering this re-occuring almost irritating question I keep asking myself and God in prayer.
Do I just keep waiting? And for how long?
Unfortunately, I have not been able to answer that myself. Any chance I begin trying to make sense of everything and how I'd wish things would go about, I quickly get drawn to another question of Where is my heart in this? Is my impatience from a heart of idolatry for marriage? Covetousness? Or a real conviction from God that He has different plans for me that don't include marriage with Matt. I don't know. And if I'm going to be honest about it all, I'm really just tired of wearing around this facade that I have any clue at all to where this path is taking me, or us. Sure, we've discussed marriage in much detail, taken the pre-marriage class, seeked council in our Christian friends and elders at church - but at the end of the day it is all God's will.
The enemy has felt very near lately, strategically placing certain temptations in my way. And I hate to admit it but there are more than often times that I have internal battles going on about giving in to those temptations. Those quick seconds where I've stopped listening to the Holy Spirit.
When did my walk with Jesus become so motivated towards my wants, needs and happiness, rather than mere desire to do what glorifies Him because of all the love and grace He's poured into my life? Could it be anymore evident just how flawed I still am? How much work the Holy Spirit still has to do in my heart?
In the 20 minutes it's taken me to write this, I don't think I am able to answer any one of the questions I've asked. But that's okay. I need to stop looking for all the answers here amongst the fallen world; so easily influenced by self-righteousness and greed and begin looking back up to God again and have faith in His plans for me.
