We're engaged!

It's crazy to me, that you can be impatiently waiting for that day to come when he finally asks you the question, but the moment it finally happens all these unexpected emotions explode and you don't know how to express them except to cry. 

There isn't too many people in my circle of friends who wasn't aware of the anxiety I brought upon myself, worried that the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with didn't feel the same way about me. 

The enemy took advantage of my negative thoughts more than a handful of times and used it for his benefit, by focusing on the bad rather than the promises God has given me. 

But as always, He prevails. I'm so glad that our special moment was captured, but even then it only captures a little part of how happy I really am. Matt is truly a God given gift to Rylan and I. I know he will be a great leader as a husband and as a second father to Rylan and our future children. Never in my life did I imagine that this is where I'd be. If you had asked me 4 years ago where I thought I'd be, my answers would be full of loss hope - but God had such bigger plans for me, for us. We know this road we've decided to start will not be an easy one to take, we will be tested more than we'd like but still, I am so excited to see what amazing things God has planned for our future. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

It's been a long time. I feel as though I abandoned my little place here. But hey, I'm back - for now at least. 

I just need to get this off my chest and be honest with myself. There is not a day that goes by where I feel like I have failed as a mother to Rylan. While I know I'm probably not the first nor the only mom who thinks of themselves this way, I sure like to put that pressure on myself like I am. If I really think about it, where did I get the idea that I'd be anywhere near perfect to raising a son, when I myself am made up of  my own share of flaws. How do I think I can really do this thing called parenting on my own? Oh right, it's engraved in us - this sinful act of pride that tells us we need only to rely on ourselves. 

But I don't believe in that, at least not at the core of my heart. 

Rylan is an energetic and kind hearted little boy. And nothing breaks my heart more than when he misbehaves and I find myself scolding him till tears fill his eyes and he struggles to breath from crying too hard. His intention is never to hurt me or to do wrong, just like I never intentionally want to be disobedient to God. But it's in those moments where my expectations of his immediate obedience and to listen after the first time of telling him to do something, that I loose all sight of what God's never-ending grace should teach me. Looking at the big picture, I too have a rebellious heart like him towards our Father Almighty. I learn more and more every day that there is nothing I can do to earn His love or acceptance. He is our righteousness. Yet, when it comes to my own son, I set up these ridiculous expectations. An example of just how broken I am and how much I need His guidance in raising Rylan. 

I am so thankful for His example as our perfect father. A reminder of the grace and love I need to extend to Rylan in times of failure. To continue praying for him and with him for both of our sins and not just his. 

"God doesn't promise our children's salvation in response to our obedience, because he never encourages self-reliance. It would be against God's character to give us a promise that our children will be saved if we raise them in a certain way. That would mean that he was telling us to trust in something other than Christ and his grace and mercy. he would be encouraging us to trust in ourselves, and God never does that. The way of the Lord is always a way of faith - faith in his goodness, mercy, and love. Our faith is to be in him, not in ourselves. "