4 days and counting.

For a moment last night, this feeling of sadness and loneliness came over me and my eyes began to water. For that moment, I allowed myself to realize that soon I would no longer be sitting on the queen size bed that's been shared between us for the past 6 months. That we will again be sleeping apart from each other. Reality hit me and for the first time, my heart greatly ached. The fear that can lead us to fall apart came over me again. The enemy tempted me to reconsider, but as much pain as I was feeling at that moment, I chose to trust God. 

The first few weeks and months will be extremely difficult. But with God's guidance, I know we will persevere. Prayer is definitely needed for us during this new chapter in our relationship. 

Despite the fact that I know we will find ourselves at the house often, there's no denying that we will miss calling it our home. But God, is calling me to call somewhere else my new home, at least for now. 

Slow struck of reality.

Separation between Matt and I is not unfamiliar territory for us. Yet, this weekend I was able to get a glimpse of how things are going to be when I move out. As much as we've been in these circumstances of living separately before, it doesn't make it any easier. Things are different this time around, this time it's intentional. It's been lonely. I am thankful that I was at least able to spend Saturday with Rylan, otherwise weekends are the days where I spend by myself. Which I suppose I definitely could turn that into being productive around the house or utilize it to spend more time with God and His word. I don't know if it's because it's that time again or that my lack of motivation to really do anything comes from the reality that this is how it's going to be for a little while. 

Nothing is permanent, and all of this is temporary. I know all of that. I continue to remind myself that everyday and try to find comfort and peace in that. But maybe right now I'm just going to allow myself to feel these emotions. 

Stressed is definitely an understatement. I'm overwhelmed with the changes that are to happen as well as financially stressed. Ahhhh! Breathe. It'll be ok.

Motherhood.

This last year, God has really tested my patience and has taught me to discipline myself so much in regards to my anger as a mother. It's almost a given that every mother is bias to their children, and although Rylan has most of the time been a complete breeze to raise, he has definitely challenged me in many different ways. Since he's been in kindergarten the challenges have been more difficult and I am constantly having to bring myself to prayer to ask for a kind heart when disciplining him. It's been amazing to have a male figure in his life when he's with me, so that Matt can provide the strong and stern persona that I may not always have, because the kid melts my heart way too easily at times.

The times when I am put in a situation where I want to yell in rage for the naive mistakes he's made, brings me back to my childhood and how I was raised. I've put so much faith in God to change my heart and I can honestly see myself change in how I interact with him when I'm disciplining him. Granted, I am human and will fall at some point, I at least know that God has already began to change my heart in so many ways and as long as I'm willing to try, I can only continue to be better. 

I feel like this simple message describes exactly how God has made a difference in my life. I gave up all the messes of my life, and allowed myself to be in a state of vulnerability in hopes that it portrays a message of my new self and heart. My desire to know and walk with Jesus has been there since high school, but not to this intensity, and definitely not with this much intent. It feels good, it really does, especially when you have someone in your life who you love that supports and wants the same thing not only for you, but for themselves. Matt and I may not be where the Lord intends for us to be yet, but I have so much faith that we will get there through His grace. 

Blessed.

After putting down my deposit on Wednesday and talking more with the couple who has so kindly allowed me live in their basement that they turned into a studio made me feel truly blessed. As stressed out as I am about all the financial stuff, I do really trust that God placed us exactly where He intended for us to stay. The couple were so kind and welcoming to both Rylan and I. It's definitely a bitter sweet feeling. 

As days get closer and closer, the realer it gets for us. Everything happened so fast it seems like. I mean, God convicting me has always been there but, I went from this selfish stubborn person, to someone who wanted to make a 180, and live for God's glory. Granted this is anywhere near a radical lifestyle, it's probably the closest I'll get to making such a radical decision. I feel good about it and confident. 

Not to say all fear and worry is gone, coz it's absolutely still there. But my trust in God overpowers all of that.

Changes.

So, the changes will be coming in the next few weeks. On Wednesday I will be sealing in the deal on a place that I made the decision to move into. After a lot of thought, discussions with Matt and most especially prayer, I feel this place is where God has called for Rylan and I to live. As reality is slowly sinking into both Matt and I, the sadness and fear have also tries to seep into the crevices of our hearts and mind. After my post on Friday about feeling uneasiness, this weekend really brought on a lot of peace in my heart in regards to the situation at hand. The thought of physically leaving Matt is heartbreaking, but the truth of God's Word and promise is fulfilling enough for me. 

There is a lot of fear in my heart that I will not be able to financially handle living on my own with Rylan, but I pray that God will provide for me in ways I could not even fathom as we continue to be faithful to Him. 

I'm fighting my anxiousness as people are slowly finding out of me leaving. Anxious about their judgments.

Conflicted

I'm not really sure what this uneasiness I've been feeling the last couple of days. Stressing about whether or not I'll find a place to stay has been harder than I thought, and trying to be there for Matt right now has just taken it's toll on me. How do I be there for myself and Matt? I'm trying to stay hopeful by trusting my stresses to God, but I'd be lying if I said the pressure wasn't getting heavy. I'm hoping I can use this weekend to catch up and just find some more peace inside and with the whole situation. I know all of this is a part of God's plan, and in the end we will end up exactly where we're meant to end up, but holding on to that hope and that visual has gotten slightly challenging.