Reflecting on 2013.

It's that time of year when everyone starts reflecting on the past year and start setting goals, ambitions and resolutions for themselves for the upcoming year. At the end of every year, I talk about how crazy the year has been and talk about all good, bad and lessons learned. 2013 for me had many of those same circumstances, however I would have to say this year God has tested me a lot. Many times I failed miserably and sometimes I did ok. Regardless, my hearts intent has always been to try my hardest to be obedient to Him. This year, not only did my relationship with God grow immensely but so did my desire to please Him grew. Moving out of my parents house to move in with Matt may have been disobedient to God, but if I hadn't moved out here, I would have never met the amazing new group of brothers and sisters I've been at Mars Hill Shoreline. In the short time that I have been blessed to get to know them, I have seen so much growth. They have had me face so many hard truths that I was too hard hearted to see for myself. I've been able to build close friendships with people I didn't think I would ever be close to. Matt and I have connected in such a deeper level than I'm sure we both could have ever imagined when we first started dating, and cannot wait to see what God will shape our future into. I have been able to spend many precious moments with Rylan and watching him grow up into such a young boy has been amazing. 

There's still so many struggles that's needed to be faced everyday and that's never going to change, but I am ready for 2013 to be over and start 2014. I'm excited to see what's in store for this year.

Finances

It's been getting a little discouraging as the weeks have rolled by since my initial decision to move out of the Kenmore house. Rooms I've been finding on craigslist that are somewhat in my price range, don't want another pet or just something that doesn't feel right. It's been a routine of living paycheck to paycheck (if even that) since I started working at the age of 18. It still baffles me that I've been working for 10 years and haven't saved one bit. Matt and I both having negative balances in our checking account and having to worry about how we're going to pay for our bills. Yet in the midst of this, God is asking us to live separately and somehow manage to afford living by ourselves when we can barely even get by with both our income. I'm trying to be positive and hopeful for the both of us, spending time in prayer - but it's been tough lately. I know there's a light at the end of this very dark tunnel, I just hope we have enough strength in us to see the it and follow through with everything God is asking of us. 

Discouraged.

Looking through Craigslist ads almost everyday, searching for a home that meets my criteria of where I would like Rylan and I to stay has been difficult. The one place I did find that is closest to being the ideal place to stay, I'm not sure will still be available and will be affordable for me. I'm slowly getting discouraged that I won't find a place. I know I need to just rest my faith in God, that He will work things out in the end. It's not as though I am in utter urgency to move out of the house and find our new place, but I'd like to get an idea of how much I need to save up to move into a house that would be fitting for Rylan and I.

The harder days.

Yesterday was great. Last night however was rough. It seems, it's always during the late hours of the night where the mind likes to lurke in dangerous territory. My heart stiffened towards Matt when he came home after having such a long day at work. I felt the enemy encouraging me to be cold and bitter towards him despite his attempt to be affectionate towards me. He did nothing yet I acted as though he had commited such a horrible sin against me. I ask for his sympathy during this difficult time in our relationship yet struggle to give him the same sympathy.

I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. Was it the lack of concern and affection from my own parents growing up that causes me to be distant when someone I love needs me the most. Needless to say, last night was rough for us. Lots of tears were shed and hearts broke . As hopeful and confident as we have been about God's plan for the both of us, I think the reality of these circumstances took it's toll on us as it came around Christmas time.

It being Christmas Eve today, I want to push all of that aside for now and be filled with joy and the absorb all the love with everyone. Whatever needs to be dealt with and confronted can wait another day.

Choosing obedience.

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” (Eph. 5:15-17)"

Even before Matt asked me to move in with him, my heart didn't feel at ease with my selfish desires to say yes. God was battling for my heart to choose to be obedient to Him, instead of pursuing what I thought would make me happy. Not to at all dismiss the joy that I do feel being with Matt. It's been amazing living with him and seeing not only our relationship get stronger, but his relationship with Rylan grow in ways I never imagined it would. However, since I've moved in, my heart has not been able to rest, I've felt uneasy, conflicted and confused. Here I was spending my days with 2 of the most important boys in my life, but my heart and life still felt empty. It's been a long and rough few months, and I'm sure my hard heartedness has exhausted God at this point. But His persistence to get to my heart has finally worked. The decision for Matt and I to stop cohabitating is one that we know glorifies God. It's one that we do not completely understand yet and feel a lot of fear and confusion, but my faith and trust in God's promise helps encourage me to continue choosing to be obedient to God's plan.

I know judgment will be made by outsiders who don't understand or agree with decisions we make, but this is not for them or us but for God. He deserves our obedience and we want more than nothing to enjoy the blessings and grace He has set up for us. The future is scary, trying to seek the light at the end of this tunnel has been difficult. Some days are going to be easier than others, and maybe today I'm just having a really good day - but I am so hopeful in this direction that we're trying to make. And I will pray that I will not allow the enemy to prevail in moments where he will tests our faith.

Christmas!

Christmas is only 5 days away yet, I haven't able to figure out why it still hadn't felt that way for me. Then after wrapping up some of the final presents tonight, that all that needed to be done was to feel that relief that everyone was going to get something & it was all ready and wrapped sitting under the tree. My love language is definitely a gift giver so with lack of money I have had to spend on gifts this Christmas season, it's been both disappointing and yet joyful for the ones I was able to buy gifts for. Despite the fact that the importance of this season is not and should never be based on presents, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit to thee excitement I get when watching presents being opened. 

With that said, I'm so glad christmas shopping is over and cannot wait for Christmas to come!

Here I go.

It's been a very long while since I've entered the blogsphere world. Well, I'm wrong. I have continued to read my favorites and found amazing new ones, however have not allowed myself to be expressive through my words in what feels like years. But, after a great deal of comtemplation and prayer - I felt this may be the best outlet for me at this season in life. It's difficult for me to write for a long period of time by hand (it must mean I'm getting old lol), and although I am labtop/computerless at this moment, using my ipad may have to suffice.

I haven't determined yet just how vulnerable I am going to allow myself to be through this outlet, as I walk this path that God has planned out for me. I will be praying for God to give me the answers I need to steer me towards what will glorify Him the most and that I will be obedient to Him in the best way I can be.