“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” (Eph. 5:15-17)"
Even before Matt asked me to move in with him, my heart didn't feel at ease with my selfish desires to say yes. God was battling for my heart to choose to be obedient to Him, instead of pursuing what I thought would make me happy. Not to at all dismiss the joy that I do feel being with Matt. It's been amazing living with him and seeing not only our relationship get stronger, but his relationship with Rylan grow in ways I never imagined it would. However, since I've moved in, my heart has not been able to rest, I've felt uneasy, conflicted and confused. Here I was spending my days with 2 of the most important boys in my life, but my heart and life still felt empty. It's been a long and rough few months, and I'm sure my hard heartedness has exhausted God at this point. But His persistence to get to my heart has finally worked. The decision for Matt and I to stop cohabitating is one that we know glorifies God. It's one that we do not completely understand yet and feel a lot of fear and confusion, but my faith and trust in God's promise helps encourage me to continue choosing to be obedient to God's plan.
I know judgment will be made by outsiders who don't understand or agree with decisions we make, but this is not for them or us but for God. He deserves our obedience and we want more than nothing to enjoy the blessings and grace He has set up for us. The future is scary, trying to seek the light at the end of this tunnel has been difficult. Some days are going to be easier than others, and maybe today I'm just having a really good day - but I am so hopeful in this direction that we're trying to make. And I will pray that I will not allow the enemy to prevail in moments where he will tests our faith.
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