It has taken me about 2-3 weeks to finish writing this post.
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I am a fairly private person when it comes to specific areas of my life. As soon as I step outside of my home, I try my best not to let whatever inner struggles I'm going through show - even to those closest to me. Why? Great question, I still ask myself this a lot of times. Most of the time, it's the fear of judgement from others or fear that they wouldn't want to use the time out of their own busy lives to listen to whatever it is I may be going through. Besides, who wants to be around someone who's in a Debbie Downer mood?
I was born and raised into a very old school/traditional Asian culture causing it to be an emotionally & physically abusive home, where intimidation and fear overpowered any desire for me to talk about my problems. I had a lot of restrictions & feelings weren't allowed to be acknowledged much less talked about. I didn't know it during those times, but because I "couldn't" talk about it, I instead resulted in making many bad decisions and looked for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. All glory & praise to the Lord for saving me from that life.
Without going into much detail about my past (maybe I can save it for a later post), I dealt with intense depression (which I didn't realize it was that at the time) most of my teenage and young adult life, on my own. No one knew that. I mean sure some of my close friends probably knew I struggled through a couple insecurities and problems, but no one really knew the darkness I went through because I chose to hide it. I yearned so much for other people's love, acceptance and approval that I developed bad habits, thinking it would make me more "desirable" or "likable" and in turn would make me happier, which I of course later realized, it didn't.
Aside from my amazing husband and my joyful little man - this pregnancy has been such a big light in my life. Every day I am absolutely grateful for this gift that God has showered us with. However, moving into this last trimester has taken it's toll on me emotionally. I've gone through the first two trimesters with mood swings here and there, but lately a lot of negative feelings have invaded my thoughts. Some very similar to ones I've experienced in my past and some new.
I'm extremely sensitive and many times I get overwhelming feelings of loneliness and sadness. Hardly anyone would probably know this (not even my husband) because just like a lot of things, I've been trying to deal with these feelings on my own. It's really difficult to put into words or describe everything I've been feeling. I can barely get through writing this without breaking down and crying (see what I mean? so emotional).
But I have to remind myself that I'm not alone in all of this. I can't keep digging myself so far in the dark, leaving me vulnerable to be taken for granted by the enemy. So, even though I've tried to keep running away, I've return to the one who I know has always been there. Asking for His comfort, peace, wisdom & guidance through this time. Which is why I'm bringing this darkness in my life, into the light - not to draw attention to the bad or get sympathy from the world but...
1) to allow the Holy Spirit to enter my heart and help in the healing process
and 2) to be an example for others, that no matter what is portrayed in social media- everyone goes through things and that it's totally okay when the seasons in our life are just down right hard.
I am so thankful for the time I've been able to spend with Jesus these last couple of weeks. But also, truly blessed for the couple of individuals I know He has recently placed in my life to help and be there as a testimony for His grace and glory. God is so good.
and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.” - Deuteronomy 33:12
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