The First Night.

Here we are, the day that seemed was slowly approaching has finally arrived. It's surreal to think that just last night, I was getting ready to go to bed next to Matt, to now be sitting here in my new bed where I'll spend either alone or with Rylan. As I look at my new surroundings, I am left feeling confused about what I am feeling. My heart has changed to trust in Him and to make the changes that I know will glorify Him in my relationship with Matt, but then why does my heart sting with pain. I haven't even spent my first night here, and already I've had a small melt down. I guess, I shouldn't have expected this process to be completely joyful all the time. I knew these feelings were going to come, I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. I should spend a lot of time in prayer the next few days, weeks and months for God's strength, but I sure as heck can't do this on my own. God will supply Matt and I the strength we need to get through this. This is not permanent, but only temporary. I just have to keep reminding myself that. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

4 days and counting.

For a moment last night, this feeling of sadness and loneliness came over me and my eyes began to water. For that moment, I allowed myself to realize that soon I would no longer be sitting on the queen size bed that's been shared between us for the past 6 months. That we will again be sleeping apart from each other. Reality hit me and for the first time, my heart greatly ached. The fear that can lead us to fall apart came over me again. The enemy tempted me to reconsider, but as much pain as I was feeling at that moment, I chose to trust God. 

The first few weeks and months will be extremely difficult. But with God's guidance, I know we will persevere. Prayer is definitely needed for us during this new chapter in our relationship. 

Despite the fact that I know we will find ourselves at the house often, there's no denying that we will miss calling it our home. But God, is calling me to call somewhere else my new home, at least for now. 

Slow struck of reality.

Separation between Matt and I is not unfamiliar territory for us. Yet, this weekend I was able to get a glimpse of how things are going to be when I move out. As much as we've been in these circumstances of living separately before, it doesn't make it any easier. Things are different this time around, this time it's intentional. It's been lonely. I am thankful that I was at least able to spend Saturday with Rylan, otherwise weekends are the days where I spend by myself. Which I suppose I definitely could turn that into being productive around the house or utilize it to spend more time with God and His word. I don't know if it's because it's that time again or that my lack of motivation to really do anything comes from the reality that this is how it's going to be for a little while. 

Nothing is permanent, and all of this is temporary. I know all of that. I continue to remind myself that everyday and try to find comfort and peace in that. But maybe right now I'm just going to allow myself to feel these emotions. 

Stressed is definitely an understatement. I'm overwhelmed with the changes that are to happen as well as financially stressed. Ahhhh! Breathe. It'll be ok.

Motherhood.

This last year, God has really tested my patience and has taught me to discipline myself so much in regards to my anger as a mother. It's almost a given that every mother is bias to their children, and although Rylan has most of the time been a complete breeze to raise, he has definitely challenged me in many different ways. Since he's been in kindergarten the challenges have been more difficult and I am constantly having to bring myself to prayer to ask for a kind heart when disciplining him. It's been amazing to have a male figure in his life when he's with me, so that Matt can provide the strong and stern persona that I may not always have, because the kid melts my heart way too easily at times.

The times when I am put in a situation where I want to yell in rage for the naive mistakes he's made, brings me back to my childhood and how I was raised. I've put so much faith in God to change my heart and I can honestly see myself change in how I interact with him when I'm disciplining him. Granted, I am human and will fall at some point, I at least know that God has already began to change my heart in so many ways and as long as I'm willing to try, I can only continue to be better. 

I feel like this simple message describes exactly how God has made a difference in my life. I gave up all the messes of my life, and allowed myself to be in a state of vulnerability in hopes that it portrays a message of my new self and heart. My desire to know and walk with Jesus has been there since high school, but not to this intensity, and definitely not with this much intent. It feels good, it really does, especially when you have someone in your life who you love that supports and wants the same thing not only for you, but for themselves. Matt and I may not be where the Lord intends for us to be yet, but I have so much faith that we will get there through His grace.