Is this real life?

I joined the Instagram community about 4-5 years ago, probably because at the time it was the newest and coolest social networking site/app available. I enjoy capturing moments in my every day life, so I thought why not. When I started, the only people who I followed & followed me back were people that I had some sort of relationship or acquaintance with. Instagram since then has become such a huge outlet for so many businesses, creative mom's, and more. 

In just the past year I have developed new relationships (mostly with mothers) throughout the world, sharing life's experiences. It has also opened amazing opportunities for Rylan and I myself to support and represent some awesome small shops that we love. Of course, with any social networking outlets there are always downfalls, but I chose to focus on the good that has come out of having an Instagram account. With the sudden rush of new followers in the last couple of months I have also been trying very hard in making sure I connect in some way with all of you or those who leave me comments as much as I can, because for me that's been an essential part of showing others that I am no different than the next person. 

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About a month ago, a family writer/head of mobile & video section of a french magazine called Magicmaman.com reached out to me asking if they could feature a look of mine on their website. 

Below is a snapshot of the article. It's in French, so I can't read most of it but I feel absolutely grateful for being chosen to be featured. They were interested in capturing my looks during pregnancy & want to feature me again in their September issue after I have given birth. 

If you're interested in seeing the full article, you can go here: Insta Mam (warning, the whole thing is in French) 

#MOMGOALS

The other day, I watched a trailer for a movie coming out in July called Bad Moms. I'm sure there are a handful of you who have also seen it floating around social media websites.

There probably isn't one mom out there who couldn't relate to the movie in some sort of way. 

Whether you're single, engaged, married, divorced, a single parent, SAHM or whatever category you find yourself in - there seems to be this predisposition and unwritten expectation or stereotype you are labeled with from others. 

It's difficult not to be affected by the judgement. I personally am not as concerned with what strangers think of me but more so those closest to me or know me. Family for example, always have their best intentions when giving advise (at least we hope so lol), whether in regards to how to parent your child or what/what not to do during your pregnancy. And although I value their opinions, they are not always the best at communicating it in a way that doesn't come off so critical. I often find myself walking away from those conversations feeling inadequate and hurt. 

While I do strongly believe that we as parents play a huge role in shaping our children into the adults we'd like them to be, I also know that every child is different so there isn't a one size fits all when it comes to parenting styles or strategies. 

"Just like that! Good! Great job dad!" - Rylan (Rylan teaching Matt how to play Avengers on the WII)

Becoming a mother almost 8 years ago, I knew life was going to change for me. I have learned to take each day in stride. A lot of the time I feel like I have failed & then there are those precious moments that you're child does something that you can't help but be so proud & know that you have contributed to that. 

In a culture where parents can get looked down upon for getting their children vaccinated, or get shamed on because God forbid a parent fed their child junk food or something non-organic, or the emphasis on putting them through all the extracurricular activities, among so many other things, it's really difficult sometimes to feel like you're doing a good job at being a parent let alone sometimes just as a human being. 

Both my husband and I work full time jobs, I scramble after work to get our 7 year old to all his extra curricular activities, while being almost 8 months pregnant and still trying to find time to get home and cook a decent meal for my family. Sometimes it's doable, but lately it's been really really hard. By the time we get home, it's nearing Rylan's bed time and I am often just too lazy to cook a more substantial meal - so sometimes that means buying him fast food, or whatever I can find laying around the house (which isn't always the healthiest). Sometimes, we'll go an entire week eating horribly. 

Matt and I are trying to get our finances together so that we can eventually get ourselves into a house, so expenses are often tight - which mean as much as we'd love to, grocery shopping for whatever we can afford means picking unhealthy & non-organic items. That also means, sometimes telling each other no to things we want. Our home is hardly ever perfectly organized or clean, in fact most of the time there is piles of dirty dishes left in the sink, laundry still in the basket needing to be put away, and just crap everywhere. For someone who is a clean/neat freak & OCD it drives me nuts but I also just don't have the energy to be on top of my game in regards to keeping our home clean.  

So, to revert back to the title of this post. What exactly does #momgoals mean? For me it means a mother who is relentless in loving her children/family with all she heart and soul & does the best she can every day. Because at the end of the day, other people's judgement and opinions should be the least of our worries. And if today was a day of failures, we have tomorrow to start over new. 

PS. Just 9 more weeks left! 

Embracing the Journey at 30 Weeks

Today marks 30 weeks & 4 days into my second pregnancy. Meaning, if this girl goes full term, I still have a little under 10 weeks remaining. (I am of course hoping for only 8 weeks lol).

For those that have followed me through my pregnancy journey thus far, know I've been riding this overwhelming roller-coaster of emotions. Just like the weather here in the PNW, my moods can be very night or day. Some days are really good & some days I can barely get through without more than a handful of melt downs. 

Growing a little human is an absolute blessing, there is not a day that goes by that I look down at my growing belly and just feel so happy. But, pregnancy has not at all been a sweet sailing journey. I struggled through every bit of pregnancy symptoms during my first trimester, then came the scare from my OB about our precious girl possibly having down syndrome based on a single spot seen during our first ultrasound (I discuss this in a previous post) - which caused extreme anxiety & worry for me. Now being well into my third trimester, where obvious physical changes are becoming more evident - so many uncontrollable emotions have came full on rushing in. 

Last week, I shared about how I've been struggling with feeling very alone & lonely sometimes and the difficulties I have when it comes to reaching out to others. They haven't disappeared but I'm proud to say that I am better at not always allowing those feelings to eat me up. I've been spending so much alone time with God, and have really allowed Him to take the lead. 

Side story: Lately, Rylan has been really into rubbing, touching, hugging and kissing my belly. Sometimes he will sit next to me (especially when he can tell I'm having a bad day) and he will ask if he can feel her move. This week, he really took to finally talking to her and telling her about his days. Wednesday night, I was just feeling physically crummy and after we got home from his baseball game, the entire family (Matt, Rylan and I) just spent 30 minutes staring at my belly to see if we could see Adela wiggling around, Matt played music for her and literally we just enjoyed each other's company while we entertained this little girl inside of me. I might have felt horrible, but my heart just overflowed with so much love and joy. 

It was that night that I really began to embrace everything about this pregnancy - all the way down to my negative feelings. Everything I was feeling became minuscule. How can I possibly continue feeling bad when even my 7 year old boy can willingly embrace me and my pregnant belly. I see now that God has been using Rylan during this season to be my backbone. He has lifted me up whenever I doubt myself and loves me unconditionally. God has been so good! <3

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I also want to share just how talented Rylan has become. I swear that boy is growing up too quickly for me, I can hardly catch my breath sometimes. I get asked a lot who takes my solo pictures. Well sometimes I just use self-timer on my camera, but most of the time it's been Rylan or my husband. And I wanted to share these pictures Rylan beautifully captured of me this week. I mean, perhaps I'm being bias because he's my child - but so be it. 

Behind Closed Doors.

It has taken me about 2-3 weeks to finish writing this post. 

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I am a fairly private person when it comes to specific areas of my life. As soon as I step outside of my home, I try my best not to let whatever inner struggles I'm going through show - even to those closest to me. Why? Great question, I still ask myself this a lot of times. Most of the time, it's the fear of judgement from others or fear that they wouldn't want to use the time out of their own busy lives to listen to whatever it is I may be going through. Besides, who wants to be around someone who's in a Debbie Downer mood? 

I was born and raised into a very old school/traditional Asian culture causing it to be an emotionally & physically abusive home, where intimidation and fear overpowered any desire for me to talk about my problems. I had a lot of restrictions & feelings weren't allowed to be acknowledged much less talked about. I didn't know it during those times, but because I "couldn't" talk about it, I instead resulted in making many bad decisions and looked for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. All glory & praise to the Lord for saving me from that life. 

Without going into much detail about my past (maybe I can save it for a later post), I dealt with intense depression (which I didn't realize it was that at the time) most of my teenage and young adult life, on my own. No one knew that. I mean sure some of my close friends probably knew I struggled through a couple insecurities and problems, but no one really knew the darkness I went through because I chose to hide it. I yearned so much for other people's love, acceptance and approval that I developed bad habits, thinking it would make me more "desirable" or "likable" and in turn would make me happier, which I of course later realized, it didn't. 

Aside from my amazing husband and my joyful little man - this pregnancy has been such a big light in my life. Every day I am absolutely grateful for this gift that God has showered us with. However, moving into this last trimester has taken it's toll on me emotionally. I've gone through the first two trimesters with mood swings here and there, but lately a lot of negative feelings have invaded my thoughts. Some very similar to ones I've experienced in my past and some new. 

I'm extremely sensitive and many times I get overwhelming feelings of loneliness and sadness. Hardly anyone would probably know this (not even my husband) because just like a lot of things, I've been trying to deal with these feelings on my own. It's really difficult to put into words or describe everything I've been feeling. I can barely get through writing this without breaking down and crying (see what I mean? so emotional). 

But I have to remind myself that I'm not alone in all of this. I can't keep digging myself so far in the dark, leaving me vulnerable to be taken for granted by the enemy. So, even though I've tried to keep running away, I've return to the one who I know has always been there. Asking for His comfort, peace, wisdom & guidance through this time. Which is why I'm bringing this darkness in my life, into the light - not to draw attention to the bad or get sympathy from the world but...

1) to allow the Holy Spirit to enter my heart and help in the healing process 

and 2) to be an example for others, that no matter what is portrayed in social media- everyone goes through things and that it's totally okay when the seasons in our life are just down right hard. 

I am so thankful for the time I've been able to spend with Jesus these last couple of weeks. But also, truly blessed for the couple of individuals I know He has recently placed in my life to help and be there as a testimony for His grace and glory. God is so good. 

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, 
and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.”  - Deuteronomy 33:12