Time with God.

“'For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,' declares the Lord.
9 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.'" - Isaiah 55:8-9

Chaos has seemed to enter my life the past few weeks, and in all sorts of forms. Birthdays, work, weddings, relationships and everything else in between. I mainly blame myself for always putting so much on my work load that I always find myself feeling extremely overwhelmed. Fortunately, among all the craziness, I was able to hear the Holy Spirit calling to make time to spend time with God. Which is exactly what I've been doing the last few days. It has been amazing and so freeing. I reflect on my heart and realize how naive I am in regards to the grace and strength God can and does provide for me. 

I may not always understand the things going on in my life, but I know that I'm not always meant to. Some questions will never be answered here on earth and I need to acknowledge that God's will always prevails and whatever it is I may desire in my life, He desires so much more for me. His plans will always exceed any plans I could manifest on my own. God is good, all the time. And all the time? God is good.

Road to training.

After some recent discussion and encouragement from some ladies at work, I've decided to accept this goal of doing the 1/2 marathon in Leavenworth this October. I am not a runner, running and I have not had a great relationship for years now. So, what in the world compelled me to say yes to this challenge? Well, one it's going to help me get into better shape, especially my lungs because boy do I run out of breath easily. Secondly, it's a goal that I can work towards achieving. 

My first run in what seems like years was last night and I proudly did 1.8 miles in less than 20 minutes without stopping to walk. Nonetheless, I was pretty exhausted after my run but this morning I felt great. I am hopeful and yet nervous on how well I'm going to do, but I know I can do it. Wish me luck!

Self-forgetfulness.

This topic of living fully in the right now and self-forgetfulness has been crossing my path a lot today. And perhaps it's God answering this re-occuring almost irritating question I keep asking myself and God in prayer. 

Do I just keep waiting? And for how long? 

Unfortunately, I have not been able to answer that myself. Any chance I begin trying to make sense of everything and how I'd wish things would go about, I quickly get drawn to another question of Where is my heart in this? Is my impatience from a heart of idolatry for marriage? Covetousness? Or a real conviction from God that He has different plans for me that don't include marriage with Matt. I don't know. And if I'm going to be honest about it all, I'm really just tired of wearing around this facade that I have any clue at all to where this path is taking me, or us. Sure, we've discussed marriage in much detail, taken the pre-marriage class, seeked council in our Christian friends and elders at church - but at the end of the day it is all God's will. 

The enemy has felt very near lately, strategically placing certain temptations in my way. And I hate to admit it but there are more than often times that I have internal battles going on about giving in to those temptations. Those quick seconds where I've stopped listening to the Holy Spirit. 

When did my walk with Jesus become so motivated towards my wants, needs and happiness, rather than mere desire to do what glorifies Him because of all the love and grace He's poured into my life? Could it be anymore evident just how flawed I still am? How much work the Holy Spirit still has to do in my heart? 

In the 20 minutes it's taken me to write this, I don't think I am able to answer any one of the questions I've asked. But that's okay. I need to stop looking for all the answers here amongst the fallen world; so easily influenced by self-righteousness and greed and begin looking back up to God again and have faith in His plans for me. 

Differences

Going through the Pre-Marriage class with Matt has really opened our eyes to a lot of realizations about ours and each other's characteristics. We've felt a little less dysfunctional knowing that we're not the only couple out there that despite our faith in Jesus have flaws in our relationship. Everything's not going to be perfect and things aren't going to always be easy. I've realized that it may be harder than it is easy, but to not be discouraged by those moments but instead be grateful that we have a God that is merciful towards us. 

I knew Matt and I had differences, but I guess in the last couple of weeks this class has really opened my eyes to see where my heart is and my characteristics. For example, I used to think that I was an extrovert, but have thought that maybe I'm actually introverted, or perhaps I've become an introvert throughout the last couple of years. 

Right now, life has put a lot on each of our plates and it does feel a little overwhelming a lot of the times. It's caused a little bit of tension and uneasiness in our relationship because we both want to make each other happy but seem to be having a hard time doing so. Taking some quick moments apart to refocus our hearts to Jesus is something we definitely needed right now. Thinking horizontally, and looking to each other for solutions is not going to get us anywhere. We must refocus and go back to thinking vertically and looking up to God to sustain us through this overwhelming season and to aide us to persevere in our relationship. 

Prayer: Lord Jesus, thank you for your great mercy towards us, especially when we have done nothing to deserve it. My prayer for today is that Matt and I can individually refocus our hearts to you. You know the burdens we currently are carrying in our hearts and you always know the way. I pray that the Holy Spirit guide us in the direction you wish us to go and to do so willing with open hearts. Let us not forget your sacrifice for us on the cross and look up to you for encouragement instead of each other. Amen.

Discouraged

Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

There's so many things I am thankful for. The weather outside is gorgeous, except for my mood seems to reflect a day of darkness. I suddenly felt discouraged about myself. I don't know how to explain it all, I just know I need to refocus myself in Jesus instead of dwelling in my own misery.